Respite

We all need a break. Some of us more than others, and sometimes more than we ourselves would like. It's that longing feeling that strikes early morning or late at night. It strikes during a task you'd rather not do, or one you know you should love but can't quite seem to. It's not depression, and it not necessarily lasting. It does however always suck. 

There's advice out there about taking stock of these feelings and planning a holiday or something to look forward to. And there's advice out there about processing why we have those feelings and doing something about it. For me, the latter is much more successful because it's aligned with both gratitude journaling and cognitive behaviour therapy. Both of which have quite the vigorous research backing. Why then is the first so strikingly appealing? Why did you immediately visualize a trip to the beach, or a walk in the bush, or a nice meal at a bougie restaurant? So powerful is our motivation when we set these goals, that we can achieve anything. 

This is why performance analysts swear by holding goals in your minds eye and working through them marathon runners visualize the next hill, a shop, a tree, a sign, anything that pushes them and marks their progress. Without this, we don't know how much to exert, and we flounder miserably. Our pace slows, and we do less. So why do these polarized worlds exist? One where we push through despite the pain and the discomfort? And one where we stop, think, reflect, and change course? 

My belief here is that they've been simply misused over time, but that both are powerful, and both have merit. The trick is to knowing where and when to employ which one. After all, I'm sure you've heard the idiom, "A change is as good as a holiday?"

My observation that I'd like to submit here, is that despite the apparent dualism at play here, there is a common thread. You. You're in control of your thoughts, feelings, and subsequent behaviours, in either case. As tricky as it is to fathom during immense personal distress, there are things you can do. When you think you can do no more, you can. When you're a kilometer into a run, you can do another. When you've walked all day, you can walk tomorrow. When you think you couldn't possibly bear any more weight, you can take more. 

We all have our very real limits, but I feel some of us perceive that limit to be way closer than actuality. When we do this, we shut down prematurely and don't allow for breathing room. We don't push to resolution, we often bail before we've really allowed something to play out. In this, take it from the Taoists, that even doing nothing should be a very deliberate choice. The only mistake is to employ a lack of cognisance because we choose not to extend our minds eye to encompass all of that it is capable of seeing. 

So then, do we really need a break? Two questions come to mind in order to parse this important theme: 1. Are we experiencing a retraumatisation or dissonance about something and, 2. Are we physically depleted? If the answer to either, or both, is a clear yes, then great. If you're not sure, then eliminate the easier of the two (usually physical) and conduct a personal evaluation of sorts. 

Sorting out if we're being retraumatised or experiencing dissonance may result in similar biological feelings; elevated heart rate, dilated pupils, clammy palms, an inability to 'switch off' when you get off to bed, scattered thoughts, or trouble focusing on tasks where you would ordinarily, it may be a sign that something's off. Especially if this lasts for days, weeks, or god forbid, longer. Seeking help from a professional will help you work this out. The most helpful thing I can suggest after digesting much research and opinion on this subject is writing. Write what's ailing you, and try to write why. Not in points, but in a way that's conducive to getting your thoughts in order. 

Dissonance is the easier thing to come to term with in my opinion, and the safest thing to explore yourself. I feel that the more we may be shrouded or minimized with others opinions, that we may be agreeable by personality and happy to go with the status-quo, the more this may build up without us realizing. We all have different thoughts and perspectives that stack over time on top of each other. Like layers in a cake, where what's underneath is so homogenous one can't really tell if the eggs even made it in the batter unless we take time to inspect closely. Until we may learn that the texture we're tasting is the unique consequence of creaming butter and sugar together precisely before adding eggs; that richness that binds and thickness leveraging the protein to influence gluten on a chemical level. Maybe I've overdone the metaphor, but dissonance is similar to me. Forcing yourself to examine why you react, think, and do what you do is akin to respecting yourself into self-actualization. The better you get at this, the more congruent your thoughts, words, and actions can all be. The more meaning, and the more influence you may exert over others with humility and reverence that the human condition deserves. 

So what is it and what do we do? In short (from the American Psychological Association), cognitive dissonance is the mechanism whereby your thoughts about one thing may be at odds with another. You believe two truisms at the same time and in isolation, this is no factor, until you compare them and see that they're incompatible. I find the most relatable example for this to be that feeling we've all had when we find out a friend of ours has done something we detest. They've taken one too strong a narcotic, had more sexual partners, bullied someone, or perhaps even likes a niche of TV show. The discovery makes you question everything including how you could possibly be friends. It's this feeling of wanting to cut ties that is potent and very problematic to process when we feel it. The stronger the challenge, the harder it is to move through. Sometimes it's just easier to walk away. But what when you can't? This is when problems emerge. The pressure of work perhaps forcing you to work with a client you resent can build some unruly problems. Without meaningful thought and introspection of the problems at hand, the manifest into a burning hatred we keep trying to squash. This stops us being useful. Rather, if we take the frame of ownership, we can contextualize our feelings and turmoil, find their origins that challenge our value judgments, make peace, and push forward. This is of course way harder. It is all the while more meaningful. 

How does this relate to respite? I'd argue that the need to run, the need to create separation is being driven by dissonance. If we work out why it is we need that break so much, and take steps toward solving that problem from within, we can make the precise amount of change without. You may think you need a week away from your kids, but all you really may need is your partner to take on grocery duty for a while, or a cup of tea, or a walk around the block. It's this very problem of not parsing your feelings thoroughly that's starting to show a large contribution to divorce rates. Unmet expectations is the externalized version, and unvoiced expectations the internalized mechanism. Further, I'd argue that social media has potentially fuelled the growth of dissonance as we emesh idealism we all dream of and long for with stark realities. A contrast too intense at times for us to handle. It's a clear dissonance for me because it's not a mere juxtaposition at work; rather, an overwhelming saturation of a dualist perspective we're all very much aware of, but so incapable most of the time, of keeping at bay. Unless of course we take the Sam Harris route and go from all in to abstinence overnight. 

While I'm at it, I'm going to go farther and conduct a thought experiment, of which I'm sure all can relate, and it so very clearly shall hope to illuminate my perspective on emeshing the respite as a sense of dissonance: 

Picture for a second that you've had a child enter your life. No matter how old. In your brain you possess a truism you hold as a parental ideal; screen time is bad. You have this because you've learnt this. You don't know why exactly, and you don't know where you picked this up. Suffice it to say that at this point, screen time is an endemically revered practice for parents. Time goes by and you find yourself at an impasse. You're tired, exhausted even. Little sleep, pressures of money, work, and housework that's piling up. Even because there's another sense of dissonance at play. A clean house must be kept, and by you, and you exclusively. Your partner is not exactly on board, and however painstaking you've accepted this and plod along trying to meticulously keep your environment as Insta worthy as possible, even if it is the matching KMart pots and cheap matching stools that achieve this. So, you decide to pop on a 'quality' YouTube video just for 5 minutes whilst you runa round, put on a load of washing, smear peanut butter on some bread, cut the crusts of said bread, and boil the kettle for a tea you won't end up drinking. You don't know really what makes the video you've selected as 'quality' per se, but after flicking through, you found one that's not kids playing with toys, rather educational and flicking numbers up in Spanish of all languages. You run around, come back and see your child sitting silent, not making a fuss. That 5 minutes becomes 15 as you make the bed and put away some washing quicker than ever before, running back to your quiet child still staring and mesmerized. Off it goes, and you deal with a tantrum. Glad you are of your discipline, being firm and sticking to your morals. TV is bad, it was just one time, and there won't be a next time... Until next week. Three nights of more stress pile up, kid is sick, and so are you. Now it's half an hour. Just need to get something done. This time though, the smallest bit of guilt slips in. Probably because we're sick is what we tell ourselves as the reason and so we move on. Three months go by and you've been invited to a dinner with a friend you haven't seen for over a year and you've got so much to catch up on. You used to be close, and still are, however, you don't see each other slas much, and they've got no kids, and you do. Out to dinner, your kid is fussing and throwing stuff, wanting to get up from the table every 5 minutes to walk around. You can't help but see sideways looks of judgment in the eyes of at least 5 people in immediate vicinity. You hate it, but you give your kid the phone with that favourite video so you can have just one quick chat about your friends new partner and stressors at work uninterrupted, and without that icy stares of random people. As you take away your phone a tantrum ensues which again returns the evil eyes of those around you. Quickly you egress and reflect on that on the way home coupled with how satisfying it was to actually talk to your friend, and yet your completely enraged by how rude onlookers can be, and how crappy your partner is for not parenting just this one time, and working instead. 

Here we have a build up of two stark conflicts. You need a break, and you need to be a good parent. Both apparently can't co-exist. And yet, the entire emergence of dissonance in this example is self-constructed. The fault of the parent? No. The fault of society? Not entirely. The fault of the onlookers at the restaurant? No, things were already off track internally for our parent already by then. So how does one resolve this in this example, after-all I did say it was an experiment. We have the result, but the conclusion is illusive. I would propose that the parent in this experiment should try to normalize her feelings as early as possible before, notice what's at play, and practice a sense of detachment (as I've discussed before) to rationalize perfectly normal parenting strategies. See, the point is precisely that this parent doesn't even really know if screen time is all that bad. They don't know if on balance this show is better than that show. They don't know really if people were staring because of the menacing child, or perhaps one because they appreciated her hair that was so precisely done because it was the first time in ages, or another two who thought the child looked a whole lot like her, or another who thought, "god I don't want kids", and another who thought, "that could've been me if my partner didn't take the kids tonight, thank God". All are resulting in the same glare, but very different in their meaning. They also don't know why this feeling is pent up, just that everyone is against them. 

In reading this experiment we can discern, and possibly relate, that the problem grew from humble origins to a rather climatical end. Practicing a type of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will help you re-frame the strong end feelings, but only a deep psychoanalytic dive will yield lasting resolution. My strategies on moving through this are:

1. Stop. Notice your frustration increasing and search inward for an answer. No time? No worries. Bank the feelings you've noticed and consciously revisit them on a walk or making a cup of tea. 
2. Reflect. Ask yourself my favourite question, "What are you worried about?" Keep then annoyingly asking yourself, "Why?" Until you actually get somewhere. 
3. Test. Force yourself to discover a small but meaningful hypothesis to test. If it works, continue on. If not, go back. No point putting all your eggs in a basket to be disappointed later. No point taking a week off on your own to have the same problem arise a month later, just now you're also without leave. 
4. Be kind. To do this, you also have to be truthful, and stern. Be this to yourself, and be this to those who can truly help. Lashing out is not the answer anyone needs. 

Perhaps this parent also may have a deep rooted self of inadequacy, lacking confidence that is amplified by being sleep deprived and improperly nourished. 

And nourishment is important. As I raised earlier, there may be psychological elements driving our need for a break, but there could be other things in the way too. After-all, how often are we all truly at our peak? Sleep, diet, exercise, sun exposure, caffinating at optimal times, are all well researched human conditioning tips. My favourites are:

1. Exercise regularly. Enough to get your hear rate way up, as well as lifting weights. Exercise should suck just precisely enough for you to feel achievement as well as improved focus.
2. Don't caffeinate within 90 minutes from waking. This helps your body naturally eliminate cortisol.
3. Eat well and supplement thoughtfully. Presently I'm a bit of a metamucil fan which I'd say is the first thing I've ever added to my diet that has such a profound felt impact. 
4. Get up early. Although I'd admit I'm the first to lie in when the weather cools, getting up a few hours before work makes you feel accomplished before the day even starts. This snowballs into a sense of achievement throughout the day. 

Others, including the journal origins can be found here. 

When I'm disciplined with all of those, I feel much better. I get me time in the mornings, I feel lighter, and more on top of things. I'm far more inclined to achieve more and need less of a break this way. Sometimes the antidote to stress is to do more, and managing your routine and nutrition is a key part of that. It's amazing what you can achieve when you've got a well oiled machine running at its best. 

When it comes to foster care, the above is supremely important and should, in my humble opinion, by tried and tested before looking at other factors. Some other key things relevant to the care cohort are:

1. Kids in care often have a very disorganized attachment style. This may mean that they don't give back to you, or fill your tank other kids may. It may mean that after a fight, you always have to be the one to repair. It may mean that you shower them in affection and love, and still your screamed at and told to fuck off and have stuff thrown at you. This is tough, there's no denying it. It means you need to examine your knowledge of attachment, learn more, detach from the situation and make subtle changes toward improving things. 
2. Kids in care may have you busier than the general population. Dealing with Case Workers, Agencies, support workers, increased school involvement, and increased medical or psychological needs all take a toll. This means you need to become adept at scheduling , managing systems and your time. It may mean you need to get up earlier to have the much needed me time, or schedule late evenings to get your creative endeavour projects done. 
3. It takes a village to raise a child, but when it comes to kids in care, you're also perhaps finding yourself raising the village. The most successful carers I've ever seen have done this gracefully from the start. It's also what I believe is a natural unintended consequence of open adoption being promoted the world over. In addition I feel it's the proactive panacea to achieving reunification early. I'd argue it is the kids felt sense of permanency and stability that really help kids to feel settled, attached, and choosing to remain with their carers as challenging teenage and young adult years ensue. 
4. Behaviours. Although after learning much from Gabor Maté's work, my education tells me that the mechanisms involved in challenging behaviour can be complex and intense. Some easier to combat than others. Their origins may be complex trauma from in utero, from early years of abuse at the hands of biological caregivers, from previous carers, or from the mistakes you've made yourself as their caregiver. Many caregivers seek a single origin explanation, because they hold into the belief that therein lies a fix. My belief is that our intricate behavioural responses to any situation are an enmeshment of all that has been absorbed before the moment, some biologically determined, others internal, and some influenced very much by the situation in question. Breaking this down is so complex, it's almost futile at times. If it is attempted, a very seasoned expert must be extensively consulted. At the end of this consultation, you must expect too that it may be you that has to adjust, and not the child. Why? It's going to bring harmony way quicker and easier than anything else. Medication may work too, and I've seen it make huge differences. It brings calm to chaos and paves the way for meaningful behavioural and cognitive change. 

Literature Review

Further with the same construct, I found some research out of the United States, about resilience and relational load. An analysis of 227 foster families using several correlation scales called the Couple Relationship Skills Inventory (inclusive of conflict management), depression scale (CES-D), and parenting stress (PSS), was completed in order to examine factors that may be influencing resilience amongst foster carers. They found that the more connected the couple, the less depressive they may be, and the more skills they may be able to employ when caring. Those who bounce off each other more, know what the other wants, shows care for the other partner, and share duties considerately, appear to be much better placed to be able to take on the stressors of foster parenting. Although intuitive in nature, these findings indicate a reasonably scientific way at working out the efficacy between partners, and just how significant the effects can be on mitigating stress and depressive symptoms. 

This brings me to the one thing I hadn't yet discussed, and that's the partner's effect on respite. The above study highlights the impact, somewhat quantitatively (although correlational comparison is not my favourite thing because weights aren't as high as I'd like), of relationship status on your ability to parent. If you find yourself putting off sorting that out because the kids may be draining your attention, this study may just highlight that in fact, starting with the partner may be the optimal place. The impact on each parents ability to cope and stave off depressive symptoms is present, and we all know that when things are at their best with our partner, we've got much more in the tank to give to everyone, not just the kids. And man do kids suck up everything you've got to give. These sponges never slow, never stop, and all the while, we're molding them with every breath into an adult who we want to be successful, strong, independant, and capable. There's strong evidence on the other pole, whereby parental domestic violence, absence, fatherless and motherlessness, and substance abuse all are devastating to children's development. I believe we're all kidding ourselves if we think that these things can't happen to us. To me, their spectrums of problems in any case. Domestic violence may be from yelling and sequestering money, to full on grievous bodily harm. Substance abuse may be a few drinks at an inopportune time, or it could be fentanyl leaving you comatose for six hours whilst the children crawl around in their own filth. After-all, most domestic violence victims don't just one day wake up to be beaten and abused, it's more of a 'put the frog into cold water and bring it to the boil' situation; we'd all jump out in droves if the water was already boiling. 

Arroyo, A., Richardson, E. W., Hargrove, C. M., & Futris, T. G. (2023). Foster caregivers' depressive symptoms and parenting stress: Applying the theory of resilience and relational load. Family Relations, 1– 17. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12908

Dev Psychol. Author manuscript; available in PMC 2018 Oct 1.Published in final edited form as:Dev Psychol. 2017 Oct; 53(10): 1995–2006. Published online 2017 Aug 14. doi: 10.1037/dev0000379