Agreement

Agreement is the foundation of society. The glue that bonds us through struggle, and the light in the darkest times. A bold claim, so let's begin from the inside out, to illustrate an expansive idea.

Internally we're wired for agreement and disagreement. We hedonistically strive to shed pain from our lives, and seek what is universally pleasurable. The Big-5 personality model, elevated to scientific utility by Goldberg in 1981, has agreeableness as a core factor of our personality which has later been vigorously extrapolated cross -culturally, and longitudinally. Agreeableness is pondered by the evolutionary psychologists to be something akin to the virtue which allows us to stick together in groups and work toward common goals, something mostly unique in this world, especially across generations. A spectrum of agreeableness exists however where negative can exist on both ends, see one high in agreeableness will likely put others needs above their own, find themselves going into and in ventures they'd rather not, and stick with partners far longer than they should. On the other hand, people extremely low in this trait would be argumentative, cynical, selfish, and make very difficult partners. Interestingly, women are slightly more agreeable than men, which makes sense given their stereotypical advantages when it comes to social capital. The evolutionary theory shared by David Bus and other experts in this field, being that because children are so difficult to raise, help is enlisted using this capital.

Stepping outward for a minute, my favourite book of all time, "The theory of moral Sentiments", by Adam Smith, illustrates just how instrumental the sentiment of agreement is. Postulating that agreement is the underlying sentiment of our modern day contemporary capitalism makes sense when you think about it. The stock market is traded on inferred, agreeable value. Supermarkets, stores, and other capital driven businesses are modelled around consumer agreement, capitalizing on subconscious gravitational pull, or an internalized agreement that universally pulls us into picking up that packet of hot cross buns next to the checkout we really don't need. We turned from fixed value markets with the emergence of the stock market in 1792 (New York) and haven't looked back. It still makes the odd viral Reel, fueling conspiracy theorists, that banks don't actually have the cash to back the figures you see on the screen; of course they don't. They don't need it. That's the power of agreement!

What does this mean for you? How do you leverage this universality? Achieve it! Next time you find yourself in an argument, don't fight the inevitable. Why dig your heels in when, at some point, you know you desire the harmonious feeling that ubiquitously comes with resolving things before turning in for the night?

Because it's, "JUST NOT RIGHT", you may be feeling. In this , I must concede , you're probably correct. We can't merely give in on every whim, or else, who would we be? How would we grow, learn, challenge, test ourselves, and emerge stronger as a result? See the trick to success here is not loosing. You're in control of framing everything the moment you choose to raise an eyebrow and stand up to the challenge. If your framing is devoid of ego, if you check in with yourself and see if you really do have something to add, and not just 'need to win', then you will. You already have the upper hand. You can commence at this point to orchestrate success, to game an outcome that is objectively as close to fairly even as possible. And because you've entered in positively, you can leave positively, as you're investing in your attuned prowess at negotiation, and not the outcome focus you maybe once had. Take ownership of your place, detach, and strive toward agreement. For this, I recommend the agreement funnel below. I posit that when commencing into a prickly situation, you begin as wide sweeping as you can. Thanking people for their energy, their time, their presence, etc. Then going down slowly but surely until the key issue is reached. If you go to far, an astute observer in you, who's able to detach and take in everything because your ego is in check, will see someone lean forward, raise their tone, cross their arms abruptly, or more. You'll adjust immediately, lower your tone, and calmly find a quick point of agreement. Once the course is clear again, you'll proceed, sliding down the funnel to the key point.

Using this method, I've been able to work through huge amounts of emotion where parents can't see their children any more, where their child may be up for adoption, where kids have been removed, and more. It doesn't mean I don't have substantial anxiety on occasion, of course. It does mean however, that, I have integrity and upheld relationships through content that is very disagreeable indeed. Being able to take people on a journey of agreement for what kids need, or why you need 'x' in your relationship, etc. Is very helpful. If at the end it doesn't work, you know, because you've tried everything, that the outcome was perhaps inevitable. Perhaps you waited to late, or your ego crept in, or your investment in the outcome meant your emotions suffered immeasurably at trying to get a specific outcome. In summary, my tips for a successful mediation are:

1. Plan.

2. Detach. Create space between your ego and the outcome.

3. Notice what's going on around you. Be astute in active listening.

4. Withdraw when it's not going well

5. Proceed with temperance

Why does this work? Yes it's universal, but what you're doing here is using respect, dignity, integrity, and above all else, temperance, to build a meaningful and sincere human connection under adverse circumstances. When this laundry list of values is employed correctly, we feel warm, and safe. We don't wish to run, we wish to walk through adversity together with someone. We all strive for harmony, and so when somebody who's challenging us illuminates that path for us, we find ourselves gingerly putting one foot in front of the other. This is the main reason for the meritocracy's failure in corporate culture; it feels empty. When we get along, know why we're on board with something, and agree whole heartedly with our trajectory, we are at our best.

Extending this further, a culture of agreement is an exciting thing to create. If you can formulate real relationships that can stretch and bend down the agreement funnel, people feel heard. When they feel heard, the too will listen, and want to continue to present real problems. A leaders ability to work through these problems successfully without jumping to, "because I said", doesn't work and truthfully is a thing of yesteryear. We've learnt much from wise people like Simon Sinek and Brene Brown, and the agreement funnel is my approach to everyday problems. Get it right and you'll find yourself inviting more conflict, more significant challenges to rise to, in order to grow more rapidly, all the while preserving and strengthening relationships around you.

I recently heard of an amazing example of agreement at its finest. When you have the ability to negotiate well despite great odds, you grow your ability to influence others. I can think of no better example than that of Chad Robichaux (robe-ee-show) and his team at his charity, Mighty Oaks. He's a US Corpsman who served in Afghanistan, building real connections with some people that made a difference to the locals on the ground. So much so in-fact, that when he was stone-walled by his own Government, this devout Christian man used his own influence to raise capital (significantly Jewish by chance) and enlist the Saudi Royal Family to charter plane loads full of people to safety, so that he could buy time to successfully re-negotiate asylum for those people back to the USA.

I leave you with a quote from someone who creates great teams, inspires big business, and is a master at conflict:

"Candor is frequent and constructive where conflict is safe" - Margaret Hefferman

This weeks Literature Review

I've been reviewing the carer recruitment research, and came across a great study by Williams, et. al (2023), out of the US, that indicates 3 crucial factors for foster care recruitment; 1. Training, 2. Resources, and 3. Relationships. The authors emphasise the connection accross all factors, being a human one, and hypothesis further, that it's the human connection that transcends the successful retention of quality carers. Relationships with Caseworkers who identify relevant and helpful trainings that are engaging, resources that area meaningful and talked through in a vigorously helpful manner, and a sincerely caring Caseworker make a very real difference.

Williams, K. A., Lewis, E. M., & Feely, M. (2023). Stay just a little bit longer: A scoping review of foster parent engagement in the US. Children and Youth Services Review, 106814.