Ownership

I really need to talk about ownership. Writing my first few blogs made it a curious choice of where I might take things next. I've selected ownership because I find it both an instrumental and fundamental virtue for success both at work, and at home.

Starting with a strong influence on me, Jocko Willink, this principle is the title of a great read, "Extreme Ownership", by he and other ex-US Navy Seal, Leif Babin. With roots in hard-line masculine thought about being tough, hardened, and exercising a self-discipline very few can match, this concept is a peculiar one for me to adapt. To be accurate though, the book is a curious and highly effective balance between engrossing war stories from Iraq, and modern-day business consulting; a fusion that works.

Firstly, I must confess, I've long had a fascination for the military in general. I always thought it would be my oath, but it wasn't to be... And that is okay. I've channelled this dream into somewhat of a regular fascination, which in turn, led me initially to Jocko's podcast.

Jocko has confessed a few times already, so I'm confident to say, that his take on a great many human issues, such as ownership, come from experience, a very inductive scientific observation. Through influence and learning far after leaving his SEAL days behind, he's discovered that many psychologists and philosophers have discovered the same things he has, but by using vigorous scientific method. Despite this, he's quite humble in his confessions, and regular turns to the scientifically minded sharing his thoughts constructively.

I've taken the time to explain this, because it's instrumental in indicating which bits I've grabbed onto... It's not just a proclivity that's suited my personality, it is a vigorously thought through sentiment that I've really solidified my thinking on after mapping it to my own studies and experiments with my team of social work practitioners.

I'll break down my utility into two key factors: intrinsic, and extrinsic.

Intrinsic

I've been wanting to achieve more. As a parent to two young kids, and someone a few years into their middle management position, I've wanted to push myself. I've always been quite mediocre in my achievements, passing (barely on occasion) my studies, and not being proficient really at anything. If you could think of a literal, "Jack of all trades", that would be quite fitting for me. And whilst this idiom is akin to a negative connotation, I've been always quite proud of my average skill at many things. I find that being useful at many things is quite helpful, and all the while, makes me quite proud of my hobbyist endeavours. No, I have wanted to try to master just a bit more. This very blog is a manifestation of that very sentiment, as I attempt to think more fully about the things I've begun to be more proficient in than I've previously wanted to admit. I'm finally taking ownership of my skills, not merely waving them off at an attempt of self-flagellating humility. I've found that, by starting from a place of humble acknowledgements, I can perhaps begin to help others more fully at the same time. You cannot help others, without first helping yourself.

Quite Stoically however, I've been meditating on the boundaries of this sentiment. There really are few, and I enjoy jostling with new creative limits whilst I settle my 2-year-old for her night-time sleeps. Say for example, I own a mistake my team member made. How much do I own really? Do I hold them to account and make them pay retributions or show gratitude for my ownership of a problem they caused? No. I must not. Not even the slightest. If I'm truly to employ ownership, I must do this unconditionally. I'm at fault, I can take responsibility, and I can bring about change so that errors may not come to bare on the future. I can do that, and so much more. And if that person makes a mistake again, I also must own that this is because I have not fully aided that person not to, as I should have. It's possible that this person may have a deficit of some kind, as we all do, but then I too will own that. I can work with that; I can tailor that. And when I can't, it's because I choose not too because it's impractical, not because it's their fault. The word I here is key. Foundational of you like. The more you employ it, the more you force your cognition to practically take ownership.

Some of you may be reading this, thinking, that's too much. It could be if it weren't for one key attribute that makes this actually work. Detachment. Here I bring Jocko back in and give him true credit for the extremely helpful way he breaks this down. An example resonates with me from a podcast of his:

"Say you're to go out to dinner, as you always do every Wednesday evening, with your wife. Well if she's somewhat of an agreeable person, you could have a back and forth, where one of you may miss out on where you actually want to go.... Or... You could factor their choices into the calculus. You could detach from the situation and try to bring about the most straightforward solution. So this means, you're doing the thinking. Does that matter, no. It's the very least you could do in any case... You know she'll be late from work because she often has long days. If she is, she'll be tired, a bit stressed, and despite loving sushi, if she walked in and you said, "So, where do you want to go?" You'd probably get a "Wherever you want". This is because she's got way too much on mentally to be able to engage in any more problems, even if they are agreeable. You could however suggest three or four of her favourites and ask if she'd be okay with sushi. See you may love one of the other favourites, but in this equation, if you factor in your ego, her needs, and success of the situation, your calculation should still come back at... Sushi."

In fairness, I've very much paraphrased this from his Underground Podcast, but I think the sentiment is there insofar that he'd be happy with that overall gist. I've made it conversational to portray the point, not to exercise verbatim. Forgive me for that!

Take this philosophy a bit further and ask yourself. Those problems you have, whose are they really? Are you someone who applies ownership consistently and continuously across all domains of your life, or perhaps, and much more humanly, do you perhaps attribute some things to others or external influence. I.e. Your parents, your work, your weight, your abilities, your looks, your relationships, etc.? Note the word you is replaced emphatically by the word "my" if you use them, and seldom, "I". That's the key difference.

To not spiral down into depression and self-blame, one must use detachment regularly and with a kind of self-love that we all owe ourselves. To detach, is to step-back, and to take in as much as you absolutely can. To maximize your perception in order to achieve your potential. We all get tunnel vision from time to time, and when we're stressed, experiencing heightened arousal, our heart rate raises, our breath increases, and our field of view shrinks dramatically (read more here)

This makes the need for detachment even greater. When you learn to notice these inner biological changes, stop, breathe, and literally take a step back. Take pause and try to absorb the solution. Look up, look around, and notice things you would not ordinarily. Compile your thoughts, then lean forward. Through your anxiety, and to a positive encompassing, and well calculated solution. See, the more you can factor into your calculations of human nature, the more likely you are to arrive at a more agreeable solution.

Extrinsic

How do we build ownership in others? If it really is key, surely, it's worth fostering?

I've looked far and wide at the answer to this question and arrive at a kind of reductionist solution.

First is the motivational work of Simon Sinek. I think there's absolutely no surprise because he has 2.3 million followers on Instagram, and 1.7 million on You Tube. His book, "Start with Why", is on the prolific best sellers list on Amazon. He explains how nailing down and sharing your 'why' is key to getting others behind you. I mean, it helps when you're an inspiring orator as well, but none the less, I've found this quite successful. The more I've begun to dabble in using active listening even in meetings, beginning with a 'why' that engages the recipients personally, and detach to calculate the best possible strategy, the more I've seen people get on board and take ownership of problems for themselves. It's also no wonder to me why the two renowned and highly invested in models in the Information Technology sector (mainly) for change, being Agile, and the Project Manager's Body of Knowledge, are so successful. The psychological parallels I've observed there too, are around going back to the end user (client), and making sure the thing you're trying to do, actually works. Doing this regularly whilst testing, explaining, and conducting a detached business analysis, all go a long way to help.

Next comes attachment theory. Thanks to pioneer James Bowlby in 1969, we have the Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory. This has been reinforced contemporarily by esteemed psychiatrist, Gabor Mate, who emphasise attachment development as a key factor in raising children, but also in reducing maladaptive behaviours in adults. If we feel nurtured, secure, cared for, and even loved, chances are we'll be loyal, focused, relaxed, and performing at our best.

It's a real no-brainer then, that if you assemble a workplace culture on the foundation of purpose, genuine relationships, 'why', and mutual investment, people will be climbing over each other to work with you. Note, not 'for you'. It's a very clear distinction I make here!

How? Here's some tips I've assembled:

1. Be democratic as often as you can. Ask for input and follow through on it.

2. When colleagues come to you with a complex problem, break it down into components, select the root cause, and then task them with 'how' they're going to solve it.

3. Have fun together. You won't need rules if your relationships are strong enough. Be yourself and encourage others too as well. Set a culture where if it doesn't fly at work, then it shouldn't outside work either. Be mindful about this and don't have alcohol at everything. Do genuine things that are conducive to relaxing and getting to know each other.

4. Ask what team based problems may exist (i.e.. a new venture, or eliminating an efficiency), and task people with different things to work together.

5. Be mindfully inclusive. Not everyone need be in each other’s back pockets all the time but invite everyone to things often enough to make people feel welcome. Outliers will often withdraw voluntarily, and you can encourage them based on this. Either way, no one is feeling excluded.

6. Give balanced feedback. I'll discuss this in detail at another time, but genuinely try to ask 'why' people may approach a task the way they have, 'what' they're trying to achieve by doing 'x', etc. Praise colleagues only where necessary. Praise has been found to reduce people's self-esteem, so use it sparingly. An antidote to this, is as author Alfie Kohn describes, "Utilise feelings in your assessment of a situation, it's far more lucrative". Saying, "I can really see how this particular section of your report is trying to engage the reader", and, "I wonder if this last bit of your report could be a bit more succinct in order to leave the reader feeling clear and motivated."

I'll leave you with a quote that was quite resounding for me:

"Encourage more, judge less, love always" - Alfie Kohn in Unconditional Parenting.

Be brave enough to smash worlds of attachment, parenting, relationships, and work together, and you'll be astonished at what you can achieve. It really can be the Big Bang of change.

Take Care,

Tom

This week’s Literature Review

This week I've stumbled across something that I thought I wouldn't read in a long time; a positive review and proponent of residential care. Since the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses of Sexual Abuse in Australia (final report December 2017), there's been nothing but negative connotations and horror stories protruding from the residential Out of Home Care system, culminating in a recent (Jan 2023) expose by the Sydney Telegraph into the system, led by a Judge, more or less slandering the excessive costs and little positive outcome, inclusive of an observation that Agencies nit-pick at minor costs that could bring kids joy, because staffing and other overhead costs are almost unfathomable. Whilst agreeable in nature, I asked myself as a sector practitioner, how would a young person in residential care feel? Encouraged? Hopeful? Probably not.

The article in question, is out of the United Kingdom, and shows that short stints in residential care can be a very real benefit to troubled youth in foster carer. The highlighted utility here is that where kids have experienced many fractured attachments, a period of settling by staff can be a positive. The kicker for me here however, is that regrettably, the posited solution of success requires the residential setting to be consistent, therapeutic, family-like in terms of proscribing ownership and growth in the kids, and ultimately resoundingly positive. The problem for me is that, my experience dictates that any residential setting in NSW is so transitory with workers, that any kind of therapeutic consistency is a utopian scenario far outside of reach.

The key take-away here for me is not cynicism however, it's hope. I feel our kids in residential care need that more than anyone, and we all owe it to them to endeavour at affording them what we need. I'm afraid, without hope, we have a cohort of kids which stacks every odd against them.

Gillespie, K., & MacDonald, M. (Accepted/In press 2023). Interrupting a cycle of placement instability with short-term residential care: Trauma-informed family-like relational practice in one specialist unit. Adoption & Fostering Journal.

Kirstie O'Hare, Stacy Tzoumakis, Oliver Watkeys, Ilan Katz, Kristin R. Laurens, Merran Butler, Felicity Harris, Vaughan J. Carr, Melissa J. Green, (2023) Out-of-home care characteristics associated with childhood educational underachievement, mental disorder, and police contacts in an Australian population sample, Child Abuse & Neglect, Volume 139, 2023, 106120, ISSN 0145-2134, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2023.106120.